When we meet someone and start a loving relationship, the first stages are very exciting, but as we move towards the general routine of life, personal luggage begins to sneak in and we can find ourselves facing destructive feelings, emotional withdrawal and boredom. Happy and healthy relationships are hard to maintain.
There is a field of research that is growing and studying these behaviors: it provides information, based on science, on how to improve any conflictive relationship. The science of love and relationships is reduced to simple lessons to master: empathy, positivity and a strong emotional connection drive relationships to be happy.
For this reason, several specialists recommend the following actions to lead a healthy relationship.
MAINTAIN AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
Each couple has differences. What makes them unhappy is when they have an emotional disconnection and can not have a sense of security or stable shelter with that person.
“THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION IN LOVE IS: WILL YOU BE THERE FOR ME?” SAYS SUE JOHNSON, OTTAWA CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND AUTHOR OF SEVERAL BOOKS, INCLUDING HOLD ME TIGHT: SEVEN CONVERSATIONS FOR A LIFETIME OF LOVE .
A relationship is about being in emotional synchrony at all times. Couples must learn to talk about their feelings in a way that brings the other person closer. The emotional response should be encouraged by learning to relate through conversation without criticism.
BRING EMOTIONS TO POSITIVE THINGS
According to Carrie Cole, research director of the Gottman Institute, an organization dedicated to the investigation of marriage, emotional disconnection can easily occur in any relationship when couples are not doing things that they think are positive.
“WHEN THAT HAPPENS, PEOPLE FEEL THAT THEY ARE MOVING FARTHER AND FARTHER AWAY UNTIL THEY NO LONGER KNOW EACH OTHER,” SAYS COLE.
One way to end these insecurities is to find ways to congratulate your partner every day, either by expressing your gratitude for something he or she has done for you. The latter like to listen to people, says Cole.
This exercise can achieve two beneficial things. First, recognize your partner’s effort and help him feel good about himself. And second, it serves to remind you why you chose it over other people.
Listen to the brain, not just your heart
When it comes to brain and love, biologist anthropologist and Kinsey Institute senior researcher Helen Fisher discovered, after subjecting several people to a brain scan, that there are three essential neurochemical components in people who report high satisfaction in relationships. A relationship must necessarily practice empathy, control stress and maintain positive points of view about each one.
In a relationship, empathy becomes a source of information necessary to continue building a future together. Controlling stress and emotions boils down to a simple concept: “Keep your mouth shut and do not act,” says Fisher. If you can not avoid going crazy, take a break by going to the gym, reading a book, playing with the dog or anything to get out of a destructive path.
The positive points of view, which Fisher calls “positive illusions”, translates into reducing the amount of time you spend thinking about those negative aspects of your relationship. “No partner is perfect, and the brain is well constructed to remember the unpleasant things that were said,” says Fisher. All you have to do is focus on what is important, for your body, mind and relationship.
Happy relationships, happy lives
In a final instance, the quality of a person’s relationships dictates the quality of their life. “When we know how to cure [relationships] and keep them strong, we become resistant,” says Sue Johnson. All these clichés about how love strengthens us are not just clichés; It is physiology. The connection with the people who love and value us is our only safety net in life.